The Heidegger Hologram, created by Disney Corporation, was appointed Assistant White House Press Secretary as part of an initiative to “hire the smartest people.” The following is the transcript of his second press conference, held on January 28, 2017. No questions were taken.

Image by Don-kun, TUBS, NordNordWest — Own work, based on File:Syria, administrative divisions — de — colored.svg, CC BY 3.0,

Syria has always been between things:
the United States and Russia, Assyria and Babylon.

To understand the importance of this, think of yourself.
Do you exist? The way a rock or a tree exists?
Are you a thing? If you’re not a thing, what makes you not a thing?

Being between things! Awareness is between-ness.
Being aware of things makes you not a thing,
or it makes the awareness not a thing.

Syria is the same, with no legitimacy as a thing.
That’s why it’s tearing apart, like a brain with a terrible decision to make.
That’s why Syria must be banned from America,
to protect you from terrible decisions.

Don’t be sad. No one is from Syria.
Syrians are as nothing as your own minds.
They come to us as consciousness,
threaten to turn us into thoughts.
What if they slip into a dream, or go out like a light,
with us inside them?

Did you know Syria has an entire town of poets?
How many oak trees are in that town?

There is no Syria, there never was Syria, there must never be Syria,
and in Syria their vast reflective eyes will never cast us into deserts.

We will make sure of it.

the editor of Now Culture for 10 years, a member of the Rutherford Red Wheelbarrow’s Gang of Five, a published poet, a cartoonist, a programmer and a manager