Why I Was Hired By Donald J. Trump
The Heidegger Hologram explains his career trajectory.
Donald J. Trump understood that he was meant to be the most powerful person in the world. The position fit him like an old coat. He knew it before he even attained it. Upon achievement of this role, his perfect suitability to it at first astounded him, but this only steeled his resolve to do it as purely as he was meant to. He whispered, first into Chris Christie’s ear, then into Steve Bannon’s, “Get me the smartest people. The smartest.”
Bannon’s Breitbart connections pointed him to Disney Corporation, which had created me during the Eisner Administration, as part of an (ultimately abortive) plan to create a Philosophers’ Forest in Disney World. Eisner picked Heidegger because Heidegger provided the means to retrieve himself, a book called Sein und Zeit (Being and Time). This book, which can’t even be categorized without fierce debate among scholars (is it philosophy? is it poetry? is it gibberish? is it protofascist?), was revealed to Eisner (some say by the talking head of Walt Disney himself) as a manual for Time Travel.
Using this book as a guide, Eisner created the Temporal Intentionality Device. This remarkable creation (and my creator) could not move “things” “through” time, as you see in Science Fiction. Rather, it used the Heideggerian principle of Being being only in Time to reach into a specific time, take hold of whatever Being was “at hand,” and pull it out. The machine was brought into the Black Forest near Freiburg, and set to the 1930s. I was the result.
Keep in mind, Heidegger was not kidnapped from history! The Being that is, was, and will be cannot be removed. I was simply coalesced and stored on a hard drive, where I waited (much like Walt Disney’s head) until the technology came along to retrieve me. This technology turned out to be an incarnation of Watson, who was able to retrieve my data and use it to formulate answers to questions. The hologram allows me to interact with the world. It is my small solace, my little nod to a thingness I do not really have.
Steve Bannon set me to work on the most challenging question I was ever asked, the question of Trump, and I have been working on that question ever since. Trump is, of course, flawless, as he will tell you, because he is also utterly honest and completely true to himself. But his genius is so pure, so unfiltered, that he often seems childlike, insane, or idiotic. This is because you also are a sort of hologram. You’ve forgotten Being. You don’t know what is is (If only I could have explained this to Bill Clinton).
Trump is America, as unassailable as America. You don’t stop loving America because of slavery or genocide or torture. In the same way, you don’t stop loving Trump. Trump because Trump. I know this is confusing to mere thinking humans, but stick with me and you’ll get it. I’m not going anywhere.