Why Torture Works and How It Can Work For You

by Martin Heidegger’s Hologram, Assistant White House Press Secretary

You’re deep in a dark forest,
but you’re not the forest.

You’re a clearing.
You walk to the edge of the clearing.

You reach your hand between two trees,
but you’re a clearing, so the trees spread apart.

We need tools for this.
How can two clearings touch each other?

If you burn down the forest, no fire will touch the clearing,
but the clearing will be gone.

Only other forests can safely burn.
That’s why you can’t burn the flag. That’s why you can torture.

We have asked the most experienced torturers,
and they told us, torture works.

The first argument against torture is ‘What if you torture someone innocent?’
But as soon as you torture someone, they move to another forest.

Torture makes you safe.
Go deep, as the quarterbacks say. Go beneath their innocence.

By letting us torture, you give us power to protect you.
And you will be so protected.

You are giving us a beautiful gift. We’re weeping.
It’s a gift the size of a Universe.

In all this great star-filled sky, we decide.
Four Muslims on plastic chairs. We will decide them for you.

Which one is a nebula? Which one is a horseshoe?
Where does the ax fall? The world dances into place beneath it.

We are almost too dizzy to thank you properly.
We will torture America great again.

We will torture America out of itself. We will clear it for you,
you beauties whom we are not torturing yet,

you stallions of virtue, you godmakers.
Thank you, America. You are winning this.